Posts tagged ‘sunflowers’

Anniversary/Birthday/Due Dates

I skipped yesterday- it was Release. Jer helped me come up with a couple of ideas but both were things I’d already shared pics for on this blog, in the past or even during this project. I guess I went a little photo happy sharing a bunch of pics instead of just one. He said I over share without planning out my days, haha. So true. Got me. And guess what? I’m doing it again today! Promise I looked ahead though and these pics won’t work for the other days anyhow. But honestly, if I had to pic something for release it would be a picture of this blog- maybe me typing away. Writing through grief has been so helpful and healing.


I’ve talked a little about our boys’ birthday- 1 year was June 4th, 2012- but I never shared pictures and I took plenty of them throughout the day so I’ll share them today.


First we lit a candle for each of them at the exact time they were born. Rudyard was born at 6:28 AM, Desmond was born at 7:03 AM, Oscar was born at 8:40 AM.


We readied bundles of sunflowers in groups of 3 to go out to all of the people who met our boys in their short lives- Dr. Chao, Sharon the hospital chaplain, Pastor Jerry and Pat Giles, Ken McKenzie from McKenzie Mortuary, and a big bunch of 9 to the nurses in the high risk OB unit at the hospital. That last one was a toughy to deliver. I guess I didn’t realize how hard that would be to go back onto that floor. My feet went to lead and I absolutely could not move but a few feet past the entry door. I pretty much just broke down and wept. Thankfully Sharon was with us and could explain to the nurses why we were there because Jer was having a hard time too of course. I’m glad we thanked them but I’m hoping to never be back there.


This next picture I did already show the other day as part of a triptych, but I love it so you’re getting it again! After our flower deliveries and lunch Jer and I tossed 3 sunflowers into the ocean. Jer read If. It was as good and right as something like that can be.

In the evening we lit the boys’ birthday candles and each had a slice of their birthday cake- yellow cake with chocolate frosting and sprinkles. The perfect kid cake. xo

Capture Your Grief Day 17, Anniversary/Birthday/Due Dates


I guess a fairly obvious symbol I relate to our boys is the number 3, and anything in threes really. I seem to notice things in threes all the time and it brings me a little relief when I do. Relief and I guess a certain yearning too. I miss them. I miss my three.

Sunflowers are another symbol I associate with our boys. I’ve mentioned on here before that I keep 3 sunflowers, each in their own small vase (the same vases used at their memorial service), on our table at all times. Each week I clean the vases, pouring the little blue gems from the bottom of the vases into a mesh strainer to swish them around with a drop of soap. Preparing the vases and sunflowers has become an act of meditation for me. Almost every time I bring the flowers home it’s with my groceries for the week. I’m usually tired and busy trying to get all the groceries put away and when I’m done all I want to do is sit down for a bit but there are flowers that need my attention. It often feels like a chore at this point, but as soon as I pick up those vases and begin to clean them the world fades away and my mind is on Rud, Des, and Oz. By the time I’m swishing the hard plastic gems life has slowed to that moment. My mind is present. I remind myself what a gift it is to have that moment, to care for my boys’ memory in a tangible way.

Here are this week’s sunflowers, with a couple of extra in the center for Jer and me. xo

Capture Your Grief Day 10, Symbol