Posts tagged ‘3’


I look a lot for signs from our boys- evidence they’re checking in, wanting to be in our lives as much as we want to be in theirs. Proof that they’re okay. As I’ve said before seeing things in threes helps a little. I like seeing it anyhow. Feels like a connection.

I haven’t had many moments over the last months where I felt I was truly being visited by them or that they were intentionally breaking through the veil to say hello. The only one I feel sure about happened 3 months from the day they died, September 4th, 2011. Our friend Jon was visiting from North Carolina to be with us in our time of deep sadness. Such a kindness. We went to Laguna Beach to spend some time and take some gorgeous photos just before sunset. I was walking along the rocky beach and 3 seagulls landed right near me. As they walked around they kept their eyes on me, checking in with each other, then back to me. I felt so positive in that moment our boys were saying hello, checking in on their mama. I felt very loved that they cared enough to come to me and offer the comfort of their presence, if only for a few minutes. It was a perfect moment; brief like their lives. We seem to only get these little snippets, my boys and me. Some day though, we’ll have it all.


Capture Your Grief Day 13, Signs



I guess a fairly obvious symbol I relate to our boys is the number 3, and anything in threes really. I seem to notice things in threes all the time and it brings me a little relief when I do. Relief and I guess a certain yearning too. I miss them. I miss my three.

Sunflowers are another symbol I associate with our boys. I’ve mentioned on here before that I keep 3 sunflowers, each in their own small vase (the same vases used at their memorial service), on our table at all times. Each week I clean the vases, pouring the little blue gems from the bottom of the vases into a mesh strainer to swish them around with a drop of soap. Preparing the vases and sunflowers has become an act of meditation for me. Almost every time I bring the flowers home it’s with my groceries for the week. I’m usually tired and busy trying to get all the groceries put away and when I’m done all I want to do is sit down for a bit but there are flowers that need my attention. It often feels like a chore at this point, but as soon as I pick up those vases and begin to clean them the world fades away and my mind is on Rud, Des, and Oz. By the time I’m swishing the hard plastic gems life has slowed to that moment. My mind is present. I remind myself what a gift it is to have that moment, to care for my boys’ memory in a tangible way.

Here are this week’s sunflowers, with a couple of extra in the center for Jer and me. xo

Capture Your Grief Day 10, Symbol