Today my little loves turn 2- the close of our 2nd year without them.
A couple of weeks ago I was going to order sky lanterns to light in their honor today. I thought we could even write messages on them, send them up and away and maybe that would lighten our loads a bit. Looking on amazon.com trying to figure out which ones I should get, led me to reviews that said another website was the place to go, so on to that site I went. The more lanterns I looked at the more overwhelmed I became. Do we go with their colors- red, orange, purple- or white? How many should I buy in case we screw one or more up? The questions and overwhelm went on from there until it was too late to order them to get here in time. I had to let it go, which actually had this dual relief-slash-panic feeling. Relief that it was over and I didn’t have to decide. Panic that I now had nothing planned for our boys’ birthday.
Over analyzing is what I do best, so this stuck with me. Why was it so hard? Pick a color already! I realized that what I was really reacting to was the overwhelm that every year for the rest of my life their birthday will come and they won’t be here, and no matter what I plan or pretend that day to be, this will never change. They are gone.
This caused such a sadness to fall over me, I swear it had a color and a weight to it. Deepest grey that funnels on forever with pale, dream-like edges surrounding me, inviting me in- go deeper, go deeper. The weight heavy, yes, and dense. The kind that makes you want to lie down, close your eyes and succumb to it’s pressure- bury me, I’m ready.
How can I go a whole lifetime like this?
I’ve felt a little numb since, keeping distance between head and heart. I’ve been able to be smiley and chatty and go about my business. I’ve shoved it down and engaged in talk of pregnancies and babies and come out unscathed (mostly). I’ve been exhausted and sore for weeks, but my mind has kept this ship afloat. I’ve learned how strong I am (very), but you would be too if you were in this position, you’ll just have to trust me on that. People say it’s a choice to be strong, but in the end it’s all that’s left. If there was another way, I’d take it. All you can do is go through it.
So here we are, and the tears have found their out and it’s pointless to try and stop them. I can feel it all today, and that’s okay. There are no set plans, but we do light candles at the time of each of their births- 6:28am, 7:03am, and 8:40am respectively- and we’re going to go to a nursery to look for something to plant in their honor. We’ve been wanting to do that since last year and now that we have a yard we can. If we don’t find anything today that’s okay. After last year’s very-packed-every-second-planned-because-I’m-afraid-I’ll-lose-my-mind-otherwise birthday, it feels better to let things be more organic this year. Plus, I’ve already lost my mind, so no bigs there.
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Happy birthday, Rudyard! Happy birthday, Desmond! Happy birthday, Oscar!
My sweet boys, you are missed so much- every day, every moment, wishing you were living life along side your dad and me. We talk about you all the time and thank God for you every day. I have more love for you than I knew it was possible to have. I’m so proud of you. I hope you know nothing but adventure and love and joy. Look out for each other, my loves. xoxoxo
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This video isn’t very birthday-y, but I love that it has 3 guys running around, loving life together. Nice lyrics too. I always imagine our boys growing up, best friends. Maybe even being rock-and-rollers together. Certainly having some drinks in a bar together. Always together.
15 responses to “2”
Jodi
June 4th, 2013 at 09:04
beautiful post. Thinking about you and your precious boys today. xoxoxoxoxo
cdg
June 4th, 2013 at 10:30
I am holding you close today and every day. Sometimes nothing feels right when there is a loss that is just so wrong and deep. Your boys are so loved by you and J and everyone around you. Never forgetting….
Marla Taviano
June 4th, 2013 at 11:42
This is beautiful. My heart hurts with you. Sending hugs and prayers today.
Stephanie
June 4th, 2013 at 14:47
I think of you all so often, Carey, and my heart gives you a big hug.
Erin Burtoft
June 4th, 2013 at 18:48
Still crying with you. Carey, you are a beautiful woman and mother. I am certain that Rudyard, Desmond, and Oscar are so very thankful that you are their mother. I know you make them proud. Love you and the boys.
actualjenny
June 4th, 2013 at 19:39
Happy birthday, Bear Boys! I always love the images you paint of them together. I think a trio of rock-n-rollers sounds so cool and hope they are having a fantastic day celebrating each other and the only parents that could be so perfectly theirs. xoxoxo
April
June 4th, 2013 at 21:50
Love you always, Carey. You are a woman of profound depth and beauty who challenges me to be more. I am proud to be your friend and heartbroken with you today. This video is too perfect of a tribute. A glimpse of heaven for me.
Christy Rodriguez
June 4th, 2013 at 23:03
My heart breaks for you. Thanks for sharing and posting and letting us share their birthday with you.
Christina
June 4th, 2013 at 23:31
Thinking of you and Jeremy and your precious sons today.
Christina
June 4th, 2013 at 23:49
Also, the video you posted is perfect and heart-breaking. I’ll think of your boys now whenever I hear that song.
Becky
June 5th, 2013 at 06:00
I wish that I could find words to comfort you but there are none. I remember the sweet girl I first met and marvel at the strong gracious woman you’ve become. I’m so so sorry that you lost your precious babies; it is an inexplicable loss; know that your family grieves with you. I love you, Carey Girl and want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you always, mom
Jen
June 5th, 2013 at 06:49
Thinking of you both and your beautiful boys today on their second birthday! You said it well…all you have left is to be strong. This brought tears to my eyes.
charitylynne
June 10th, 2013 at 07:37
Carey, I’ve thought about you & Jer and your precious boys a lot this week. You have such a beautifully honest way of expressing your heart. I’m thankful God has given you the strength to go through the fire, that day and for the past 2 years. Tears, prayers and love here for you both.
Rachel S.
November 4th, 2013 at 13:35
I don’t know you…I don’t think. You just never know, it is a small world. But I found your story on Yahoo and for the past two hours I’ve been caught up in you and your husband’s blogs. I started from the beginning, like one of those movies where you see what happens at the end first and then it quickly goes to the beginning to show you how you managed to get there.
I’m not able to understand what exactly you and your husband are going through…I’m single at 34, never been married, never had children and probably never will. And that is a different kind of loss felt. But through reading this, I feel that your three boys, Rudyard, Desmond and Oscar, have two of the best parents possible. It indeed is frustrating to me that they were not allowed to have more time with the two of you, but I am so thankful that you two are in this world for other people who are going through similar situations. Speaking out and being so open with your experience, both the beautiful and the heart-wrenching, must have been hugely difficult, but is so admirable.
I don’t know you in real life. I wish I did. I wish I could have known your boys, because I’m SURE they would have been into so much at this point and such a riot! I’ve read your words, prayed too late for your family, cried on my desk and hoped beyond hope that you find small moments of peace in each day.
Rachel
Tahnaykay
November 25th, 2013 at 05:35
Praying for strength for you because I know all too well how painful it is 2 yrs later I still think about my girls Julia and Lilly whom I miscarried 6 months apart from each other I told your husband in his comment section thank y’all for sharing with us your 3 little angels may God bless y’all above, abundantly and beyond measure and I pray that you do try again and if you do I pray that you and the babies will be healthy and strong and that God will guide the hands of the doctors and nurses and that he will give them the knowledge that is needed to bring forth y’all’s miracle(s) to be