Today my little loves turn 2- the close of our 2nd year without them.

A couple of weeks ago I was going to order sky lanterns to light in their honor today. I thought we could even write messages on them, send them up and away and maybe that would lighten our loads a bit. Looking on amazon.com trying to figure out which ones I should get, led me to reviews that said another website was the place to go, so on to that site I went. The more lanterns I looked at the more overwhelmed I became. Do we go with their colors- red, orange, purple- or white? How many should I buy in case we screw one or more up? The questions and overwhelm went on from there until it was too late to order them to get here in time. I had to let it go, which actually had this dual relief-slash-panic feeling. Relief that it was over and I didn’t have to decide. Panic that I now had nothing planned for our boys’ birthday.

Over analyzing is what I do best, so this stuck with me. Why was it so hard? Pick a color already! I realized that what I was really reacting to was the overwhelm that every year for the rest of my life their birthday will come and they won’t be here, and no matter what I plan or pretend that day to be, this will never change. They are gone.

This caused such a sadness to fall over me, I swear it had a color and a weight to it. Deepest grey that funnels on forever with pale, dream-like edges surrounding me, inviting me in- go deeper, go deeper. The weight heavy, yes, and dense. The kind that makes you want to lie down, close your eyes and succumb to it’s pressure- bury me, I’m ready.

How can I go a whole lifetime like this?

I’ve felt a little numb since, keeping distance between head and heart. I’ve been able to be smiley and chatty and go about my business. I’ve shoved it down and engaged in talk of pregnancies and babies and come out unscathed (mostly). I’ve been exhausted and sore for weeks, but my mind has kept this ship afloat. I’ve learned how strong I am (very), but you would be too if you were in this position, you’ll just have to trust me on that. People say it’s a choice to be strong, but in the end it’s all that’s left. If there was another way, I’d take it. All you can do is go through it.

So here we are, and the tears have found their out and it’s pointless to try and stop them. I can feel it all today, and that’s okay. There are no set plans, but we do light candles at the time of each of their births- 6:28am, 7:03am, and 8:40am respectively- and we’re going to go to a nursery to look for something to plant in their honor. We’ve been wanting to do that since last year and now that we have a yard we can. If we don’t find anything today that’s okay. After last year’s very-packed-every-second-planned-because-I’m-afraid-I’ll-lose-my-mind-otherwise birthday, it feels better to let things be more organic this year. Plus, I’ve already lost my mind, so no bigs there.

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Happy birthday, Rudyard! Happy birthday, Desmond! Happy birthday, Oscar!

My sweet boys, you are missed so much- every day, every moment, wishing you were living life along side your dad and me. We talk about you all the time and thank God for you every day. I have more love for you than I knew it was possible to have. I’m so proud of you. I hope you know nothing but adventure and love and joy. Look out for each other, my loves. xoxoxo

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This video isn’t very birthday-y, but I love that it has 3 guys running around, loving life together. Nice lyrics too. I always imagine our boys growing up, best friends. Maybe even being rock-and-rollers together. Certainly having some drinks in a bar together. Always together.

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