I guess a fairly obvious symbol I relate to our boys is the number 3, and anything in threes really. I seem to notice things in threes all the time and it brings me a little relief when I do. Relief and I guess a certain yearning too. I miss them. I miss my three.

Sunflowers are another symbol I associate with our boys. I’ve mentioned on here before that I keep 3 sunflowers, each in their own small vase (the same vases used at their memorial service), on our table at all times. Each week I clean the vases, pouring the little blue gems from the bottom of the vases into a mesh strainer to swish them around with a drop of soap. Preparing the vases and sunflowers has become an act of meditation for me. Almost every time I bring the flowers home it’s with my groceries for the week. I’m usually tired and busy trying to get all the groceries put away and when I’m done all I want to do is sit down for a bit but there are flowers that need my attention. It often feels like a chore at this point, but as soon as I pick up those vases and begin to clean them the world fades away and my mind is on Rud, Des, and Oz. By the time I’m swishing the hard plastic gems life has slowed to that moment. My mind is present. I remind myself what a gift it is to have that moment, to care for my boys’ memory in a tangible way.

Here are this week’s sunflowers, with a couple of extra in the center for Jer and me. xo

Capture Your Grief Day 10, Symbol