Today is our boys’ birthday. One year. I feel like I should have something big and important and life-lessony to share but I’ve left my heart on the page many times before and today there are no words.

Today is for remembering the fellas. For reflecting and giving them all of my time and attention and awareness. For mourning what happened a year ago, and what should have been. Today is even for celebrating. It’s a complicated day that leaves this mama a little unsure of how to navigate it but I’m doing my best.

Every day of this last year they have been the current, the energy running through my mind and life. Every thought and word I speak has a little bit (or a lot depending on the day) of RDO in it. If you know me, you know my boys. They are my heart, my little loves, everything I want to be when I grow up.

A few months ago I was walking to work, listening to The Bird and The Bee and the song “Birthday” came on. I knew immediately I wanted to share it here on this day. It feels just right- a little bit of angst, a lot of love, a fun tune- a complicated, more-to-the-story birthday.

Happy Birthday Rudyard, Desmond, and Oscar. I hope you’re doing something really fun today. I wish we were spending it together. Your mama loves you and misses you so. xoxoxo

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