Archive for September, 2011

Letters Home

Jer and I sometimes attend a grief group with other parents who’ve lost their babies. We haven’t gone in a little while because we weren’t really finding the format extremely helpful. The last time we went there was a planned activity, which was a first since we’d been going. The leader had balloons in pink and blue for us to attach notes to and send off into the heavens for our little ones.

We decided not to release our 3 blue balloons because honestly we can’t get past the thought of them caught in a sea turtle’s throat, but I did write to the boys that night and Jer drew a picture of them. It felt good to “talk” to them, hard too. I pretty much sobbed the whole time I wrote to them. It’s been hard for me to talk to them since they passed away. I try sometimes, I want to, but it’s so painful. The void of the physical world between us seems so vast, so endless. In some ways I believe as Jeremy does that they’re here with us, but I don’t feel them like I thought I would. I think of myself as someone who’s “in tune” with her spiritual side and the supernatural. I pay close attention and listen to the intricacies of my body and the life around me. I base a lot on feeling and my sixth sense. I believe I’m kind of psychic, which Jeremy indulges with a wink and a smile. I thought all of these things combined would be enough to bridge the gap of time and space, of life and death, to where I would feel, really feel my boys here with me. But it’s not enough. I don’t feel them. Admitting that is so hard for me. It’s devastating that I don’t feel them, don’t see them, don’t dream about them other than frantic dreams replaying what happened, trying to make sense of it, trying to change it and bring them back. I don’t pray a lot but when I do I pray to God to let me see my boys, as they are now. I want to communicate with them in my dreams. I believe this is possible but it hasn’t happened yet.

Something I used to be embarrassed to admit or at least felt like I should be embarrassed to admit is that Charmed is my favorite TV show. There are 3 sister witches and after one of the sisters dies, the other two try to contact her. Instead of getting her, their grandmother and mother who have passed away appear in spirit form. The sisters are confused and upset, they want to see their sister. If they can see their other loved ones who have passed on, why not their sister Prue? Their grandmother tells them simply, “It’s too soon.” She explains that if the sisters were to see their fallen sister now it would be too confusing for all of them, they wouldn’t be able to let go and accept what’s happened.

Though most would be skeptical that great life lessons are coming from Charmed, I’ve thought a lot about that recently. Is it too soon? Is that why I can’t feel or see our boys because God knows if I did I’d never be able to let them go and move forward? Maybe.  Although I have to think He knows that’s not really possible. I have to work at letting go of the idea of raising them, having them here physically with me, yes. I have to accept what’s happened, though some days that seems impossible. But I have no plans of letting go of them and I’m very patient. I can wait it out. I will wait eagerly and expectantly to see my boys again, even if that means waiting a lifetime until I’ve breathed my last breath.

Here are the “Letters Home” to our boys, and Jeremy’s beautiful drawing of them. In the letters I reference this story that Jeremy wrote. If you haven’t read it, you should. It’s amazing and inspiring and brave.

Rudyard,

I thought a lot about you today. I looked at your pictures and thought that you were a pretty handsome guy too. It’s hard without you, little man. I miss you so much and I feel so sorry about what you went through. I love you Rudyard.    Love, Mama


Desmond,

Your daddy wrote a short story inspired by you and your brothers. In it he mentioned a woman named Molly. I asked him if he was thinking about your song when he wrote it because that’s what I thought of. In the song Desmond marries a woman named Molly and has children with her. I think of the kind of husband and father you would have been. It makes me sad but proud too. You would have been good at it. I bet you would have been the kind of guy to bring your wife flowers for no reason at all, just because you love her. I miss you Desmond. Every day. I love you sweet boy.  Love, Mama


Oscar,

I read a story recently that your daddy wrote. In it he mentioned a reality where we got to keep you, not your brothers unfortunately, but you. I wish with everything in me that I lived in that reality with you. I love you so much my little one and I miss you more and more each day. I hope you’re okay.   Love, Mama



Beautiful, precious boys. Your mama and daddy love you so and miss you with every breath. We’ll see you soon sons. xoxo

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.”  Romans 8:18-25

Advertisements

Tofu Fajitas

Today’s Meatless Monday recipe is from my wonderful friend and client Sigrin. This tasty meal was just what we needed and made enough to last for days. Thanks Sigrin! Enjoy everyone!

Tofu Fajitas

Ingredients:

  • One package firm or extra firm tofu
  • 2-3 Assorted peppers- green, red, yellow, and/or orange, sliced
  • 1 onion, sliced
  • 1 packet fajita seasoning
  • water

 

Preparation:

Slice tofu into 1/2″ rectangles and grill on the BBQ. This firms up the tofu and gives it an authentic grill flavor.
Pan saute peppers and onions until tender. Mix fajita seasoning with a little water and add to the peppers and onions. Stir until well coated.

 

Presentation:

Serve “make your own fajitas” style alongside flour and corn tortillas, black beans, rice, shredded lettuce, diced tomatoes, vegan cheese, vegan sour cream, and salsa.