These are the eulogies I read at the memorial for my baby boys. I miss them so.

 

Rudyard

My strong, brave boy. I’m so thankful for your life. I didn’t feel you very often inside of me, yet somehow, maybe because we knew your name the longest, I felt so close to you from the start. I would talk to you by name when your brothers were still Baby B and Baby C. At first I was less sure than your daddy about your name, afraid it a bit much for a little boy on the playground. But as the weeks passed I fell more and more in love with your name as I fell more and more in love with you. I imagined you with ruddy cheeks and red hair, an intellectual with a poet’s soul. My little man, keeping your brothers in line. For 22 weeks you held strong beneath the weight of your brothers, even after your water broke. You fought tirelessly your last week of life because your mama asked you to. Thank you for fighting. Thank you for trying so hard to protect your brothers and me. Thank you also for knowing when it was time to let go. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t let go, so you let go for me. You were already gone when I held you but you are my firstborn, the first of my children in my arms and I will never forget that. You had a rough entry, which caused a ruddy complexion, just like I’d pictured. You had obviously been through a battle, but to me you looked perfect. I think of you the most because of what you went through. I’m so very sorry you had to endure so much in your short life. I’m thankful that you now know only peace and will never have to fight again. I love you Rudyard, my strong, brave, beautiful boy. I miss you every second and I’m so incredibly proud of you and so thankful to be your mama. I still don’t know how to let go of you but in your example I’ll say good-bye for now. I will see you again my son.

 

Desmond

My sweet, handsome boy. I’m so thankful for your life. I felt you move for the first time at 14 weeks. I texted your daddy and said “I’m not sure but I think I just felt a baby move! It felt like something swimming under my skin!” After that day I felt you almost every day since, including your birthday. First as butterfly flutters and then as nice big kicks. Our bond was strong through this physical relationship. When I hadn’t felt you yet in a day I would talk to you and ask you to kick. I’d tap my belly and wait with anticipation and you’d usually oblige. You were more fickle with your daddy’s requests but I’ll never forget the first time he felt you kick. Thank you Desmond for giving that gift to your father and to me. Your daddy always said that he thought you would be the most like me. I kind of thought so too- my little activist with a romantic soul; a believer in kindred spirits, just like his mama. You did end up with my dark brown hair, which made me smile. I was hoping you would.  One thing is for sure: whether you ended up as a heart throb actor doing ads for PETA, or a missionary in the African bush, I always knew you’d do great things for this world. You weren’t here very long my dear one, but you touched the hearts of thousands of people, just like I knew you would. I am so proud of you Desmond and I love you with such vast love. I had the most time with you alive in my arms and I’m so thankful for that and so very thankful to be your mama. I miss you every second of every day and I can’t wait to see you and hold you again.

 

Oscar

My tiny, baby boy. I’m so thankful for your life. You are my youngest, over an hour and a half younger than your brothers, which for triplets is a rarity. We were hoping against hope that you’d be able to stay with us, safe in my womb. You listened to your mama and tried to hold on. I’m so sorry that wasn’t enough. It’s not fair what happened to you, but you were so brave little one. I always pictured you as my little daredevil; a mischief-maker, trying to out do and impress his brothers. This seemed especially fitting when we learned at our last anatomy scan that you were smaller than your brothers and that this was most likely genetically how you would remain. Even though we planed to keep the birth order a secret, I knew I would have a special place in my heart for you as a fellow youngest. I imagined you coming to me with “it’s not fair!” and “Rudyard and Desmond won’t let me…” and “they say I’m too little to…” and I would smile and tell you I understood and “no, it’s not fair” and then I’d go have a talk with your brothers. I think you would have been the comic relief in the trio, our funny man, just like your daddy. A little goof ball, yes, but smart as a whip. I look forward to someday hearing your stories and learning all about the adventures you’re no doubt having right now. I love you Oscar and I miss you with every breath I take. I am so thankful to be your mama and I’m so very proud of you. I can’t wait to squeeze you tight and kiss your little face and walk hand in hand with you for eternity.

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