Yesterday, in a discussion with my husband about the different aspects of triplet life, he said to me, “I know you’re scared, but you can’t live in denial. This is happening.” I replied with a short and snarky “I don’t have the luxury of living in denial! I feel it everyday. No one knows more than me that this is happening!” Okay, let’s add dramatic to that list.

Of course now, when it’s 3am and I’ve already woken up to pee twice and my super powered nose has me convinced that there’s some God awful smell in our bedroom so I can’t sleep, here I sit and ponder. Am I in denial? Maybe. My husband has done loads of triplet research since we found out. He’s sent me links, started a triplet exclusive blog, made blog friends in the triplet world. I feel like I’m playing catch up all the time. It didn’t really even occur to me to read triplet blogs until he told me about them. I’ve never really been much of a support group girl so the idea of getting into triplet exclusive groups really freaks me out. I’m not much of a blog commenter- too insecure to say hello or to add my opinion/feedback (even though now that I have a blog I realize how much people probably want comments so I’m trying to be less shy), so I’ve never made any blog friends. I keep telling myself (and Jeremy) that it doesn’t have to be this way. People can have triplets without it completely taking over their lives. We can be a family that’s funny and interesting and kind who just happens to have triplets. It doesn’t have to be a freak show!  I’ve even thrown in the “I’m trusting my body. Everything I need to know is inside of me.” Oy vey. This is smelling more and more like denial by the minute.

So what have I done to prepare for the trips? I’ve looked into cloth diapers, found some adorable Elephant booties online, and read “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” All things I would have done had there only been one. Every time I’ve attempted to read parts of the ‘multiples section’ of What to Expect I’ve thrown up. No joke. Once I was mid sentence reading something aloud to Jer and vomit shot out of my mouth in a very exorcist like fashion, horrifying us both. It’s just…I had plans. I had plans with one baby. I was going to do it right. Cloth diapers were a given but I was also going to be one of those mamas who carried her baby around in a sling everywhere she went. I was going to have a natural birth and breastfeed for a really long time and then make my own organic baby food. I was going to be an Earth mother, crunchy granola, vegan goddess with a modern flair. Me and baby would take in museums, walk around downtown, go to yoga. A nice little pair with daddy making it all a little more fun. I could still work, too, keep my business going. Fit clients in evenings and weekends when the hubby was around to watch the little one. Life wouldn’t go away it would just get better.

Picturing my life with 3…well, that’s just it, I can’t picture it. When I start to picture it, I feel panicked. 3 babies in a stroller at the grocery store- how do you push a cart too? Getting 3 babies in and out of the car. Breastfeeding 3 babies. Giving each baby individual attention. A c-section. Coming up with 3 names. Going anywhere in public with 3. Staying home with 3. If I think about any of these things for too long I can feel my blood pressure rise and the panic set in. So I go back to what I know and google “booties.” Make that “organic cotton booties.”

So I guess denial is a factor. It’s true I can’t ignore it completely- the ever-expanding waist, unending nausea, and sore boobs won’t let me. Nor will the sleepless nights, like tonight, where I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m in way over my head and there’s nothing I can do about it. But as new age-y as it sounds I do have to go back to the idea that there’s something inside of me that knows all I need to know. For some reason my body decided there should be 3. Not fertility drugs or in vitro. My body. And God. So I have to think that there’s a reason and a plan and some imprinted-into-my-DNA ability to care for 3. I have no knowledge of this ability but I haven’t needed it before now. But maybe it’s there, under the surface, at the ready the moment they come out. Instinct takes over and all is right with the world. I really need to believe that.